If four women named Laura, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out to lunch they
will call each other Laura, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If four men named
Mark, Fred, Tom and Tim go out to lunch they call each other, Frat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut Head and Scrappy. When the bill comes each of the men will throw down
and $20 for a $38.50 check, none will have anything smaller or want any change.
When the women get the bill each takes out their pocket calculator and starts
to make change.
This generalization perhaps illustrates that there is a difference between men
and women. But studies tell us that men and women communicate differently. Men
tend to withdraw and more frequently women want to pursue. Women are more typically
painters and men pointers. Women want to get the whole situation painted out
to complete the picture and men just want to get to a point.
Over the last three Wednesdays I have been talking about destructive patterns
of behavior and communication that effect us all. These patterns do not come
from God but from Satan, the messed up force of imitation that exists between
us. Today I want to talk about withdrawal and avoidance. Withdrawal and avoidance
are two ways of demonstrating an unwillingness to get into or stay with important
discussions. A person who withdraws may simply end a conversation by getting
up and leaving or just not talking. An avoider does not want certain subjects
raised at all. Withdrawal and avoidance can be as destructive to relationships
as escalation, negative interpretation and invalidation. When an important issue
in a relationship family or group goes unresolved it will cause damage.
The way a conversation begins is very important. If we begin in an angry or
confrontational tone it will more than likely end on such a note. If it begins
on a positive note the conversation will more likely end on that same note.
For example, "I have a suggestion", translates: "What you are
doing is wrong, I have a better way." As soon as someone says to me, "I
think you should." I stop listening.
We see example after example of people withdrawing and avoiding real issues
in the passion story of Christ. The gospel writers make no attempt to hide the
defective effects of the withdrawal of the disciples. The maid goes up to Peter
and says, "You also were with Jesus." Then the denial begins. "I
don't know what you are talking about," Peter lurks on the fringe of the
crowd watching but he is not willing to come to Jesus' defense.
The gospel writers don't ever offer an excuse for Peter, like we might make
an excuse for a friend or loved one. Forgiven people have no need of an excuse.
The plain facts are given. Peter pretends that he does not know Jesus. Soon
another woman saw him and said; "You were with him." Peter swears
an oath that he does not know the man.
But his accent from Galilee gave him away. The man who said; "you are the
Christ, the Son of the living God," denies even being acquainted with Jesus.
The cock crowed and Peter was faced with the reality of his sin. He went out
and wept bitterly. He was separated from his God. Jesus had to appear, risen
to Peter to call him again. We see this in the rehabilitation story of when
Jesus asks Peter three times if he loved him.
Although this story is commonly and accurately called the denial of Peter, it
is also a form of withdrawal and avoidance. Just as it damaged Peter's relationship
with Jesus, when we withdraw and avoid confronting real issues in our relationships
we can destroy them.
I think that our earthly relationships are influenced by the way in which we
relate to God. The healthier our vertical relationship is with God, the healthier
will be our horizontal relationships with each other.
It is important to communicate in ways that build up, instead of ways that tear
down. If one or the other turns to avoidance communication will be hindered.
Remember the speaker-listener technique from the take home exercises given out
in week one? One person speaks and the other listens. We use I statements. Because
you are an expert on yourself and not on me. After the sharing of thoughts and
feelings the other repeats what was said to make sure that you heard it correctly.
When you use this technique you can't avoid thoughts, ideas and feelings. If
you start angry you will end angry. If you start by listening the chance is
higher that you will hear.
Talking to others can be compared to an echo. If you are angry and yell, they
will yell back. But if you say good things to them, they will respond in a like
manner.
The scriptures say we should rid ourselves of bitterness, rage, anger, brawling
and slander. Along with every form of malice. EP. 4:31. How can we do this?
It happens whenever we allow the Holy Spirit to change our hearts. The fruit
of the Spirit is; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self control. Gal. 5:22-23.
Withdrawal is a natural reaction to something that is fearful. Adam and Eve
withdrew from God when they felt shame. But God was telling them as they left
the garden; "I have forgiveness waiting for you on the horizon.
God has promised to forgive and restore us. This is exactly what Jesus did with
Peter. When he asked Peter three times if he loved him, Jesus was giving Peter
a chance to see things in a new way, to do things in a new way. Just as our
Lord Jesus gives you and me this same chance today.