In our lives the slightest thing can escalate into a big argument with name calling and dredging up the past. We feel criticized all the time. People take what we say in a negative way when we don't mean it that way. When we argue with someone significant to us, one of us doesn't want to talk or just withdraws.

If any of that sounds familiar, it is because these are the four destructive patterns in all relationships. Escalation, invalidation, negative interpretation and then withdrawal or avoidance.

These are all toxic. Today we focus on escalation. Escalation occurs when people respond back and forth negatively to each other raising the volume and rhetoric causing things to get worse and worse. This leads to anger and frustration. Name calling marks the end of constructive engagement as does bringing up similar situations from the past.

I know that I often catch myself turning up the heat in the middle of a conversation turning up the heat. So what does the passion story of Jesus have to tell us about preventing this from happening and how can we learn to engage in constructive discussions?

The Passion Story of Jesus contains all of these destructive patterns including escalation. First Jesus was examined by Annas, Caiaphas father in law, while the Sanhedrin was being gathered. Now Jesus is brought before Caiaphas from the house of Annas. Scripture was being fulfilled, which said that false witnesses would rise up against him. The positive things Jesus did, the healings and miracles were twisted around to look like bad things.. Because people did not like Jesus, everything he did was bad to them.

They brought up that Jesus said he would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days. But Jesus was speaking about the temple that he was, meaning that his person was the new temple, and he was talking about his resurrection. But the accusation did damage, it had taken years to build Herod's temple and this Jesus says he can rebuild it in three days. Jesus must be delusional or crazy. Now there are a couple of good names to call him!

Jesus would never allow himself to get sucked into a faulty argument. He never argued in an unfair way. He would remain silent absorbing the attacks without responding in kind. Next the high priest tries another stronger attack. Tell me if you are the Christ, the Son of the Living God. When Jesus told the truth, that he was God's son, the High Priest tore his cloths and shouted blasphemy! That called for the death penalty, no more witnesses were needed.

Everything was unfair about Jesus trial. They were not supposed to hold trials on feast days, there was supposed to be a second trial a day later to actually make a sentence. Jesus always argued fairly with facts, with the goal of teaching, his enemies did not, they kept escalating the charges until their anger controlled their behavior. They wanted to destroy Jesus. They did destroy Jesus, but his Father invalidated this trial and execution by raising him from the dead to bring forgiveness and life to all.

So what can we learn from this? Escalation needs to be short circuited. Jesus, gives us an example of how to do this. He remains humble and does not counter attack. He could have argued about who he was and about how fantastic his mission was. Paul tells us about Jesus humility in a theological way. Saying, "Jesus did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but he made himself to be nothing, taking on the form of a servant, and he humbled himself.

If we want to have good relationships with each other we need to be humble enough to listen more than talk. It means even giving up our rights, so that our relationships will be right. No argument is worth killing a relationship.

A practical thing we can do is to take charge of what we say. You can stop in the middle of any conversation and take a time out saying, this is getting too hot and no light is being shed.

We can, in this Lenten season, take time for prayer, which should always be more listening to God than talking. Good prayer is making yourself humble enough to let God write your life story. Paul says to us, "I know what I am supposed to do, but I find myself doing the opposite thing." It is hard to change but with God it is possible. This power to change comes to us in our prayers, in the ashes and the Holy Communion. His coming unto us, makes us different than we can be without him.

Lent is a great time to allow God to choose you. For we who are traditional Christians we can look at the cornerstone of our Faith; the life of our Lord Jesus and use him as an example instead of trying to be like each other.

Imitating each other's sin is a dead end. Living in the light of Jesus, hearing with his ears and seeing with his eyes will allow us to live by his forgiveness and it will lead us to a proper sense of self. A Jesus centered sense of self is a must before we can have healthy relationships with each other.

May God give each of us the wisdom and power to not let any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths. May we say only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, so that what we say may be a benefit to all those who hear us.